Ready to wed? My marriage ambivalence

These days, I find two buzzwords really interesting: henjia, to be anxious to get married, and konghun, fear of marriage. They describe two opposite states of mind, and yet both these terms apply to me.

You’d think that a 23-year-old female in Beijing would enjoy being single, but the truth is that I am very, very eager to tie the knot.

In my experience, most women become mildly obsessed with marriage when they hit their 20s. And no wonder. You’re getting pressure from your parents and relatives: "Do you have a boyfriend," "When are you getting married," "How much money does he make," and "Does he own an apartment and a car?"

And all your married friends advise you: "You have a better chance of marrying well if you marry early" or "Better late than never." Luckily for me, most don’t have kids yet, or I would never hear the end of "Look at my son’s photos - so cute," or "Hurry up before you reach ’advanced maternal age.’"

I tell them there’s no need to hurry, and act if I don’t care. But actually I do.

As a child, when asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, I always answered: "Be a bride." That’s similar to little girls dreaming of becoming princesses, but I guess this dream stayed with me past puberty.

When I asked myself why, I concluded that I want a companion - the warm, trustful kind. I want to know there will always be someone there for me. I don’t really care about the details of a wedding ceremony, I don’t fantasize about white horses, huge dresses or carriages, but I need someone I can really talk to. It’s simple - you don’t want to be alone.

I know I am a stereotype. In this modern society, not every woman is in a rush to get married, and many are cool with not marrying at all. So many lifestyles are acceptable now, but still, being married by 30 or so is what society expects of women.

On the other hand, there’s my marriage phobia.

We are told that successful marriage requires sacrifice and effort from both sides. But traditionally, marriage means a woman giving up part of her career (or least the amount of time she spends on developing her career), shouldering the responsibilities of giving birth to and focusing on the kids, and taking care of her husband, his parents and one’s own parents.

Not to mention that it’s a stressful world for young people. The cost of getting married is too high for both men and women.

And it’s in people’s nature to be afraid of the many changes and compromises a marriage brings. I’ve been observing two of my friends as they prepare to get married. They used to be so sweet together that the rest of us couldn’t stand it and made them stop. But now they’ve begun to argue about their new apartment, the size and style of the wedding, the honeymoon, and even trivial matters like who to invite as guests and whether to rent or purchase the wedding dress.

I am so afraid that once people get married, reality will slap them in the face as they discover that their spouse is no longer the person they fell in love with.

The girly and emotional me tells me one thing, but the practical, realistic me tells me another.

http://www.kissydress.co.uk/ | http://www.kissydress.co.uk/black-bridesmaid-dresses